Video games post difficult decisions

First I think I need more dogs.

Needs more dog

As I mentioned in last weeks post I recently started playing the video game, Life is Strange. It has recently been taking a large chunk of my time not just for game play, but it has made me think a lot about my moral ground, specifically to do with death.

I also found out today that my neighbor who I have known all my life, passed away yesterday.

He was one of the kindest men I have ever known. My memories of him are vague but very warm. I remember when I lost my rabbit and he found it over his fence in the neighbors yard. He lifted me on his shoulder so I could see over the fence. His cost for finding my rabbit was a kiss on the cheek, I gave that without hesitation.

I also remember the conversation I had with him before I moved. He was dying, but smiling. He happily talked to me about what exactly he was diagnosed with and how grateful he was to all of the nurses who looked after him. He also told me how proud my grandmother would have been and that he himself had no doubts that I would be an amazing nurse.

Nursing?

The question of euthanasia is one that is often angled to nurses as nursing is the profession that is always seen to actively care for people. 'Actively' being the key part here, I have found that often the acts of kindness that mean the most to patients are the ones that are fairly immediate and those are the ones that people see nursing making. The other point is that people feel that nurses understand better, maybe this is because of the horrible things that nurses go through just to have that moment where you feel like you are genuinely helping someone. 

I used to believe in euthanasia. My viewpoint has changed quite a lot over the past few years. I had the belief that people should be able to live and die on their own terms and while I wish for this to be true, I just can't see it as an option anymore. I look at the people I see now and the ones who truly feel that they need it are the ones who can't do or think for themselves. Then again, how can you assess ones need to die?

Perhaps the saving grace that I can always fall back to when this conversation starts is the fact that should I assist people in this way, I would lose my job. 

As for my neighbor who died yesterday, he had in some way made peace with what was happening and stated that "I will live till my dying day" and that is exactly what he did. I feel I have no say in taking that ability away from anyone, even if they want me to. 

Video Games?

This brings me back to Life is Strange. Life is Strange has given decisions that require a lot of thought, while most of them have made minor differences so far, some of them have such an emotional weighting to them that it is very difficult to make the decision. Just like real life!! 

So why has this game had such an impact on me? I will tell you of one decision you are forced to make.

In this scene, you have met your best friend who was involved in a car accident and at the age of 18 and is now paralyzed from the neck down. She tells you straight that wants to be able to make one decision for herself and that she wants her last memory to be her enjoying the day with her best friend. She instructs you how to increase her morphine drip. Do you? I did not.

It took me 15 minutes to make this choice. I then had to follow this choice with a 2 hour long nap and a lot of hugs from my boyfriend.

Perhaps this hit home so much because of my job and while no one has asked me to kill them in this way I have had many people tell me that they just want to die. Maybe also it is because I have seen people in this situation before and Life is Strange completely nailed the layout of the room and it's equipment that it reminded me of what care I had to give for those patients.

This in-game decision terrified me so much that at the time I made it I did end up falling back on the "I would lose my job" argument. In a way I also felt that if I said yes in-game that I would be tempted to say yes in real life someday.

Interestingly enough, the game shows world stats for who chose what option. 56% Killed her, 44% did not.

Art?

I drew this little thing today, haven't drawn a character in profile for a while, it took me a bit of a think before I could come up with something.

Lets face it, scarfs are fucking awesome.

I also invested in some more acrylic paints!! Gonna fiddle with them when I am not working I think~

Bringing the mood up, here is a picture of my boyfriend keeping it fresh

What song have you got stuck in your head?

Till next time~

Havra

Too busy having fun... getting my life organized.

This week has had it's strange moments but overall I feel like I am starting to get better at things.

Today I went to go see a dietitian to try and actually start the road to being healthy. I decided to be as honest as I possibly could. In doing so, the lovely lady who looked after me today didn't make me feel like I was doing as horribly as I thought. She recognized that I was indeed making an effort, and reminded me that you have to take small steps towards these goals, as trying to do everything at once easily leads to everything falling down.  

Nursing?

I was told by my boss a little while ago that nurses need to be able to do 3 things. 

1. Be compassionate

2. Be caring

3. Be able to look after oneself

She then followed up by saying that I was good with points 1 and 2 and that 3, I had to judge for myself. 

I don't think I look after myself very well. This is partly the reason why I finally got myself an appointment to see someone to follow up about losing weight. The problem is, and the dietitian agreed, I know what I need to do, it is actually get around to it that is the issue. 

If I will be honest here, the issues to do with weight gain started when I was about 13. I remember this because my mother, who had been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes around that time, was telling me that I had to get better at this. She warned me of some of the issues that being overweight could bring socially as well and in fact, some of the issues she mentioned had already started happening at school. So we went to a gym to go sign up and they were very confused that someone my age wanted to join but in my mind, the decision was also to support my mother. Of course, they had to review their rules and put in a policy that said minimum age was 14 year old to join. This, like many other things I have tried to do, did not work for very long. 

Problem is that I have been trying to do everything at once. I have recently noticed that I do it for nearly everything. I always tell people that it'll be fine, that these things take time but then what I do is expect myself to get it perfect first try and do it all. My mother does this all the time. When I was studying she would set herself goals that starting tomorrow she will: quit smoking, follow her diet, go do a huge gym session, cook all the meals for the house, paint the inside of one of the bedrooms, do at least 2 hours worth of gardening, plus try and make sure that her daughter was studying. Anytime one of these things would fall, the rest would fall. It would start off with small cracks but as soon as she would light up a smoke my Dad and I knew that it would get worse before it got better. I am fearful that I do the other thing my mother does when this happens, become very controlling. When things aren't working, she takes hold of one of these goals and puts all her energy into making it work now. Usually, this would land back on the family and cause upset on us. I really hope I don't do that to people and if I do, I'm sorry. 

This isn't a blame to my mother, more of a trait that both share. It has it's advantages just as much as it has it's flaws. It's flaws however, certainly did not help during my adolescence when I was already full of angst. There is no real blame in how I am the way I am. In the end my body is mine and I have the ability to change it. 

What video game are you playing?

I started playing Life is Strange! 

I am really enjoying it. It is a "cinematic game", a story told though the actions of the player with different consequences that are following though the entire game as I play it. Just like real life!

I find the decision making for the story telling very compelling. A lot of the time you have decisions that are based over how much of a dick you want to be to people but some of them, the ones that truly effect the story, have you in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. There is one particular scene that sticks in my mind where you have to answer to the principal (and maybe even the police if you had a slightly different story) about an incident where you have to chose who you taddle on. 

I do really enjoy the art style, I will admit that the character models were a bit uncanny valley at first but I have really started to warm to them. Or maybe I have warmed to the characters? Hard to tell. I have found that a lot of what I like about it is the lighting. 

All in all, I recommend this game. I would say though that as much as I like it, if this game is not your cup of tea, jog on. 

Art?

I haven't been doing much but I did do this sketch. Better than nothing, right?

What song have your got stuck in your head?

To all of you - Syd Matters 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cw_0Bxqpc9o

Till next time~

Havra

Entries 3,4 and 5. It's totally legit.

Alright, get this. I had adventures.

From these I have learnt a few lessons that I would like to share with you.

So on the 3rd Blaugust night I sat down to begin my post knowing that my boyfriend would arrive for a weeks visit at some point that evening. As it turned out though, my boyfriend had not planned his fuel very well and got himself stuck in the small country town of Robe late enough at night that nothing was open.

Lesson 1: After 9pm country SA closes for the night.

Naturally the best course of action was to go save him.
I pulled into the petrol station to go see if I could purchase a can of some sort so that he could drive his car the rest of the way. As I pulled in however, in the darkness I was unable to see that there was a curb where I was heading and this lead me to burst one of my car tires.

Luckily though, I had a spare.

Lesson 2:  Make sure you have a spare tire.

I have only changed one car tire in my life, it was under supervision when my parents told me that should I be living in the country I need to learn how to change a tire

Lesson 3: Listen to your parents (sometimes)

As I was getting the spare tire and jack out of my car friend of mine from work pulled in, she asked me what I was doing. Upon explaining the situation she said that while she can't help she would call her boyfriend who can.

Lesson 4: Good networking gets you places

I continued to change the tire, began raising my car when a car pulled up at the station, a man got out and asked me if I needed help. I told him what I did and we both laughed at how stupid I was, at this point my friend's boyfriend arrived and the other man left.

Lesson 5: Being nice to people brings joy

With the car tire fixed I went and bought a 10L petrol can, filled it with petrol and set off to go save my stranded man.

I arrived an hour later, took the can out of the boot, sat it next to his car when we realized that the can didn't come with a funnel. It looked kinda like this:

Fuckkkkk

A few minutes later with a frantic phone call to his parents for ideas, I was taking rusty screwdriver to an old water bottle that had left in my car, to use as a funnel to get the petrol into his car.

Gotta keep it until I buy a funnel

We managed to get safely back to my house, with another 20 minute detour because as we also learnt...

Lesson 6: Road signs in the country take you on the scenic route

All went well in the end and I am thankful that my boyfriend is safe. I will admit my heart sank when I saw 7 missed calls and I originally thought my boyfriend was dying in horrible car crash using his last ounce of strength to call me to give me a tragic parting goodbye message.**Disclaimer: This is not something my boyfriend would do.   

I got to bed in the end at about 2am then woke up for a 7am start at work. I was surprised I was able to function at work the next day but I guess a part of me had accepted that I did what I needed to and that I felt I made the right choice.

Lesson 7: You don't have to be good to get the job done.


And finally:

What song have you got stuck in your head?

Till next time~

Havra

Another day, another post!

Day 2 here we come~

Nursing? 

I have been thinking a bit over the past few days about the stress that this job brings and ways that I can show that I still am enthusiastic about my job. It has been a little hard when I am tired all the time. It also doesn't help that waking up in the mornings is quite a struggle for me. Not quite sure what to do with that at them moment other than keep showing up to work.

I am also in a mood where I am trying to think of where I want to go do with my degree. Travel is something I would love to do but not for a holiday, to work and live. America always sticks in my mind, lord knows why. I dislike a lot of what I have heard to do with their healthcare system and it makes me wonder if I would be able to work within it. Not to mention the issues that would come from trying to get a work visa. England on the other hand, much more feasible. A lot of Australia's health care is based off of England's structure (and viscera), getting a work visa will be a lot simpler for me and they are also apparently on a call out for nurses from Australia.

Here is the problem, silly heart has given me this somewhat reoccurring dream that I will be able to make the America idea work then magically find myself in California with a nursing job also doing something to do with video games on the side. What video games stuff has depended on the night, some nights it is game development and others it is shout casting. The destination however is eerily consistent. Practical sense though, England has a lot more support for me, I am more familiar with it, relatives live there, work is available, and it has the stuff that I am after anyway. So why America?

The more I type this the more I realize that I want to make moving to another country work, figuring out when is the fun part.

What video games are you playing?

I am still on the Splatoon and Dota 2 train, not much else to report from those. I did however buy the game Life is Strange yesterday, it is downloading at the moment. My friend said he enjoyed it from a storytelling perspective saying that it hit the right notes. I haven't read that much into it so I will report my first impressions when I play it.

Art?

I have been trying to do a bit of art but I feel I have not gotten that far. During the 3am phase I came up with this while listening to Little Person by Jon Brion.

Issue now is I don't really know what else to do with it. I will come back to it when I get a chance.

Watching/Reading anything?

Still watching some AGDQ speedruns! Youtube has provided for those that I missed watching live.

Reading however, I started that search I sometimes do for Shojou manga. I have read about 5 different series in the past day, favorite one being Moe Kare drawn by Ikeyamada Go. Part of what I liked about this one was that is filled all the general things I expect from a shoujo.

It also gave me this amazing page:

The other one that I kinda enjoyed, drawing by the same artist is called Kobayashi ga kawai sugite Tsurai. Now this one is fantastic because it revolves around twins that switch gender roles then fall in love. Big bonus for the male side of it making out with our heroine before they knew that she was cross dressing.

It also had an interesting pairing where the hero was falling in love with a girl who was deaf and was thus learning sign language to communicate better. Was interesting to see how that was drawn. They don't really touch on it often enough but I like it being there.

I should really create a checklist of things I expect these manga's to have then grade them based off of that.


Be warned, I have found some Yaoi to read and I will be talking about that later on.

What song have you got stuck in your head?

Till next time~

Havra

Another year, another Blaugust...

Oh, hello, I didn't see you there.

It sure has been a while since the last time I posted so let start things off with a picture of a happy dog

 Dawwww

I have decided that the best way to approach this years Blaugust is to create a quick formula with subjects that I will try to discuss everyday. Here are some headings to go by:

Nursing?

What video games are you playing?

Art? 

Watching anything? 

What song have you got stuck in your head?

Firstly, looking back on last years entries it has made me feel a bit better as it has made me realize how much I have actually achieved. There is a large part of me though that feels like I am still not doing enough with everything I want to get done, perhaps I am just too inpatient. 

Nursing?  

Nursing has become a lot more stressful than I prepared for. I knew that it wasn't going to be an easy feat but as it turns out, being an adult really really sucks. A true skill that I feel I have learnt from this experience is to be able to smile and enjoy talking to people about the simple, mundane little things while knowing full well what the grim reality of the situation is. Keeping up those conversations everyday is what makes me tired. 

There have been many nights where I have cried myself to sleep because of the cruelty that life brings to people. When you see genuinely nice and loving people suffer for no other reason than fate. While a lot of people have told me that they follow this career path because it gives them a sense of control, I will admit that I feel the exact opposite, everything I do merely fits into place, While it is comforting, and necessary, to have someone care for you, it doesn't mean that those actions will effect the control that one has over bad situations. Again, maybe I am too impatient. 

My work in aged care continues to remind me how scared I am of death, when those I care about leaving me. This may not be helping with my struggle. I can say though that it has gotten easier. Traditionally I have found that when someone dies around me I cry and the closer they are to me, the more I cry. Fairly recently there was someone who left us that I didn't cry for, and I loved them. During my first few shifts as a RN they were supportive and understanding to the difficulties that I was facing, and reminded me that no matter how much I stress, I am still able to show people that I care. Perhaps I didn't cry because for how peacefully they left and how it seemed that everyone had had a chance to be able to say goodbye. Maybe it was because that unlike others that I have seen die they weren't afraid.

Overall though, I am still employed. I can't be doing as badly as I sometimes feel I am.

What video games are you playing?

I invested in a WiiU last week! I now have Splatoon and Yoshi's woolly world for that console.

Splatoon is a pretty fun game, it has been really satisfying to be able to play online with my friends. I have only slight regret for one playing-till-3am session, only because I was unable to rest that well enough for work the days following. Got to level 20 and I have just started to branch out into playing with other weapons. Or at least, learning a bit more on how to approach other players to murder without getting murdered myself.

Yoshi's wolly world I actually played on my boyfriends console while I was on holiday at his house, it was pretty fun. It has a similar difficulty to Yoshi's Island, and that is a good thing. I learnt from this experience that my boyfriend, god bless his cotton socks, is one hell of a back seat gamer. I would be jumpin, you know, being a Yoshi and that when he tells me that I have missed something. Trust him to be a completionist..,

I have also been playing a lot of Dota 2. It has turned into one of those social things that I can do now that I live far from the civilization that I once knew. A group of us gather on mumble, stack as a 5, feed, play badly but above all, have fun. I recently noticed that while I have opened up to some of these wonderful nerds, I haven't met some of them in real life. I might have to actually do that at some point. 

Art? 

Developments in art have been fantastic! I put some of my art on an art table at AVCon this year. I made more money than the cost of the table so I call that a success! I will try and post some more art this blaugust! My art page (www.facebook.com/havrac) has a few more likes and I might have some commissions coming up, how amazing is that?!

Watching anything? 

At the moment I have been following Awesome Games Done Quick (www.twitch.tv/gamesdonequick), it finishes tomorrow but it has been amazing to watch when I have not been at work. I donated at one point as well and it got read out, internet famous.

What song have you got stuck in your head? 

Till next time~

Havra

Is it really the end...?

It is the end of August! Thus, the end of Blagust. So what now?

I am intending to continue ramblings on here outside of this wonderful event but for now I will quickly recap on how this month has been for me.

It has been a strangely stressful and rewarding month for me, milestones include: My last Student nurse placement, continuing my art work and enjoying it, learning more about speed running and developing video games and my mother retiring.

I haven't been posting here as much as I would have liked but I was usually either doing these wonderful things or resting to make sure I was well enough to continue. I am one week away from completing my placement and 9 weeks away from completing my degree. Eeep! I find out next month if I get a graduate year and if I do I assure you I will be writing a lot about it. I have learnt so much during my placement in the Cath Lab and it is certainly an area I would love to work in one day. I realize though that it is a specialized area that I won't be able to get into without going through a bit more training first. As the nurses have told me though, if I am dedicated enough and work towards it that is the best chance I will have of getting it. I am going to have difficulties in my first year as an RN as I haven't been placed on a ward. You would think this could be my fault for asking for placement options that are specialized but in all honesty I didn't get much a choice until my final placement. Aside from the University never giving me a ward placement I am sure that should I get a graduate year I will be placed on one. Not exactly the place I want to work or the place I see myself working forever but it is necessary experience.

My Art has been taking off again this month and while at the moment I haven't been drawing too much I have found myself drawing quicker and more accurately so that is always a good thing. I have mainly been doing sketches here and there and when I have inked them at least I shall scan them to show to the world :D I look forward to having a bit more time to sit and draw after placement is finished.

Games are fun and this month I have been not only doing silly speed running antics, as I have blogged about but I have also been attempting to learn a little programming. Still early days and any in depth conversation with programmers at the moment is only half understood by me but the ball has started rolling so lets see where it takes me. It would be really interesting to see if I can do some more pixel art and try and make a simple game. That's the goal in mind at the moment at least. Mix the art and stuffs ya know?

Family is doing well at the moment. My mother has just retired from her job and is now going to finally have some more of the "me time" that she deserves. This is going to cause issues for me as lifestyle changes will be enforced by my mother and while I understand her reasons I hated being given a bed time and a wake up time only seems worse. We shall see how that goes, I am sure I will find some balance in it all.

I really enjoyed reading my friends blogs and seeing what they were doing while I was too busy to attend things like EVAC because of placement. It was reassuring in a way as I was able to see how things were still happening around me and it didn't make me worry as much. I will have more time soon though so MOAR GAMES. MOAR EVAC. MOAR MAH JONG!!

Watch this space for more wonderful tales~

Havra

Why Lara doesn't like me - Starting the run, breaking the game

A few months ago I was watching my good friend practicing his speedrun for LaMulana when I said to myself: "Yeah, I wanna speedrun a game".

Lord knows why, half of the time I was watching it was him swearing or saying how shit bats were. It was decided though, so I had to decide a game to start with. My friend suggested a short game that I was familiar with. I wanted a childhood game of mine, one that I would take pleasure in breaking.

The first game that stuck to mind was Tomb Raider. While this is not a short game it is easily segmented and that was probably more what I was after. Tomb Raider was a series that I got into as a child that helped me realize how great boobs are. More so though, it was a game that even as a child I could break.

It also helped that there is a ton of information about how to speedrun Tomb Raider games here: http://www.tombrunner.net/. Do check it out.

So here we are, Tomb Raider III. While Tomb Raider II had more childhood trauma for me I found that TRIII was a little easier to break in ways.

The old man that follows you around everywhere in this one farts. Constantly.

I took some screenshots of my efforts today as I practiced a few things. There were 2 things I used to do a lot when I was younger and I am going to show you here. 

My First Glitch

It isn't complex, it isn't that wonderful, but when I was a child it was the most amazing thing I could ever do. I found a way to get to the top of Lara's mansion. This technique is used throughout early Tomb Raider speedruns. 

Note, how easy it is to put Lara into objects. 

As Lara jumps up and down she drifts slightly. Using this, you can place her in walls. 

And when the game doesn't know where she is. 

She gets spawned on top of whatever you stuck her in. In this case, she is now on top of her house. 

Look. Lara. Everything the draw distance touches, is our kingdom...

This led to more fun with me finding the strange textures and the magic floating platform. 

Looks like there's nothing at all! Nothing at all! Nothing at all!

Old Man Antics

What probably made me like TRIII more than TRII was the old man antics and the addition of a quad bike. The old man antics was something I was sure to do every time I played this tutorial level. 

You get access to guns at the end of the assault course. 

Not sure what Lara is shooting but she sure is keen

In this the poor old man becomes a target. Just so you remember how much of a bitch Lara is.

Of course, you shoot him. 

He only groans a little when he gets up. It's not like he may have arthritis...

It's okay though. It's all for queen and country!! 

Now here is the cruel bit that I couldn't stop laughing at. This is for if the farts get too much.

In the kitchen there is... the Freezer. 

Get yourself all ready....

Hello gorgeous!

Kbye

Aaaaaaaaand you shut the door. 

Thus, preventing him from following you. You do still however, hear his farts from the rooms surrounding. 

Now, back to the going fast. Over the months I looked up a few ways that people went through the levels, practiced the techniques and finally today was the day I gave it a go. 

The First Level

The current best time for the first level is 38 seconds. You will find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgcioHGIBXU

This is the route I decided to go for. 

Different techniques and a slightly different route have had a lot of runners complete the first level in just over 1 minute. 

First attempt at me doing this, did not end well. 

No matter! I will just have to jump a little differently. 

Finally I got to the first area where I could do something silly. You jump through the edge of the wall and can get yourself on top of it. 

I got stuck. While there is "quicksand" I wasn't sinking but in this case, I had wedged myself in something and couldn't get out. 

It doesn't even look like I am stuck...

No matter!

Close but not quite on that. 

Again not quite. It was a good try Lara.

Aha! Success! Now to jump over to the other side. 

Easy so far. Now here comes the bit that I spent hours... to try and get. Grabbing into the block so that when you pull yourself up, you hit the trigger for the level exit. 

If you can see it, Lara's shadow is in the block.

And this is what happened: 

Yaay out of bounds! 

Lets try again. 

Hooray! I did it! But...

Something didn't seem right and the start of the next level.... Is this Ninja Croft?

No Matter! I will load again. 

Okay then... I didn't wanna see Lara's face anyway. Load again...

Okay I didn't want to see the level either. Bah. 

As it turns out, one way of hitting the level exit means you skip the cut scene after it. Useful? No. Every time this happens you will load a level or a save that is either missing the art for Lara, or the art for the level. 

Restarting and having another go, I completed it. 

Yaaaay! Go me with breaking the game. Does this make me a speedrunner?