Video games post difficult decisions

First I think I need more dogs.

Needs more dog

As I mentioned in last weeks post I recently started playing the video game, Life is Strange. It has recently been taking a large chunk of my time not just for game play, but it has made me think a lot about my moral ground, specifically to do with death.

I also found out today that my neighbor who I have known all my life, passed away yesterday.

He was one of the kindest men I have ever known. My memories of him are vague but very warm. I remember when I lost my rabbit and he found it over his fence in the neighbors yard. He lifted me on his shoulder so I could see over the fence. His cost for finding my rabbit was a kiss on the cheek, I gave that without hesitation.

I also remember the conversation I had with him before I moved. He was dying, but smiling. He happily talked to me about what exactly he was diagnosed with and how grateful he was to all of the nurses who looked after him. He also told me how proud my grandmother would have been and that he himself had no doubts that I would be an amazing nurse.

Nursing?

The question of euthanasia is one that is often angled to nurses as nursing is the profession that is always seen to actively care for people. 'Actively' being the key part here, I have found that often the acts of kindness that mean the most to patients are the ones that are fairly immediate and those are the ones that people see nursing making. The other point is that people feel that nurses understand better, maybe this is because of the horrible things that nurses go through just to have that moment where you feel like you are genuinely helping someone. 

I used to believe in euthanasia. My viewpoint has changed quite a lot over the past few years. I had the belief that people should be able to live and die on their own terms and while I wish for this to be true, I just can't see it as an option anymore. I look at the people I see now and the ones who truly feel that they need it are the ones who can't do or think for themselves. Then again, how can you assess ones need to die?

Perhaps the saving grace that I can always fall back to when this conversation starts is the fact that should I assist people in this way, I would lose my job. 

As for my neighbor who died yesterday, he had in some way made peace with what was happening and stated that "I will live till my dying day" and that is exactly what he did. I feel I have no say in taking that ability away from anyone, even if they want me to. 

Video Games?

This brings me back to Life is Strange. Life is Strange has given decisions that require a lot of thought, while most of them have made minor differences so far, some of them have such an emotional weighting to them that it is very difficult to make the decision. Just like real life!! 

So why has this game had such an impact on me? I will tell you of one decision you are forced to make.

In this scene, you have met your best friend who was involved in a car accident and at the age of 18 and is now paralyzed from the neck down. She tells you straight that wants to be able to make one decision for herself and that she wants her last memory to be her enjoying the day with her best friend. She instructs you how to increase her morphine drip. Do you? I did not.

It took me 15 minutes to make this choice. I then had to follow this choice with a 2 hour long nap and a lot of hugs from my boyfriend.

Perhaps this hit home so much because of my job and while no one has asked me to kill them in this way I have had many people tell me that they just want to die. Maybe also it is because I have seen people in this situation before and Life is Strange completely nailed the layout of the room and it's equipment that it reminded me of what care I had to give for those patients.

This in-game decision terrified me so much that at the time I made it I did end up falling back on the "I would lose my job" argument. In a way I also felt that if I said yes in-game that I would be tempted to say yes in real life someday.

Interestingly enough, the game shows world stats for who chose what option. 56% Killed her, 44% did not.

Art?

I drew this little thing today, haven't drawn a character in profile for a while, it took me a bit of a think before I could come up with something.

Lets face it, scarfs are fucking awesome.

I also invested in some more acrylic paints!! Gonna fiddle with them when I am not working I think~

Bringing the mood up, here is a picture of my boyfriend keeping it fresh

What song have you got stuck in your head?

Till next time~

Havra

Too busy having fun... getting my life organized.

This week has had it's strange moments but overall I feel like I am starting to get better at things.

Today I went to go see a dietitian to try and actually start the road to being healthy. I decided to be as honest as I possibly could. In doing so, the lovely lady who looked after me today didn't make me feel like I was doing as horribly as I thought. She recognized that I was indeed making an effort, and reminded me that you have to take small steps towards these goals, as trying to do everything at once easily leads to everything falling down.  

Nursing?

I was told by my boss a little while ago that nurses need to be able to do 3 things. 

1. Be compassionate

2. Be caring

3. Be able to look after oneself

She then followed up by saying that I was good with points 1 and 2 and that 3, I had to judge for myself. 

I don't think I look after myself very well. This is partly the reason why I finally got myself an appointment to see someone to follow up about losing weight. The problem is, and the dietitian agreed, I know what I need to do, it is actually get around to it that is the issue. 

If I will be honest here, the issues to do with weight gain started when I was about 13. I remember this because my mother, who had been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes around that time, was telling me that I had to get better at this. She warned me of some of the issues that being overweight could bring socially as well and in fact, some of the issues she mentioned had already started happening at school. So we went to a gym to go sign up and they were very confused that someone my age wanted to join but in my mind, the decision was also to support my mother. Of course, they had to review their rules and put in a policy that said minimum age was 14 year old to join. This, like many other things I have tried to do, did not work for very long. 

Problem is that I have been trying to do everything at once. I have recently noticed that I do it for nearly everything. I always tell people that it'll be fine, that these things take time but then what I do is expect myself to get it perfect first try and do it all. My mother does this all the time. When I was studying she would set herself goals that starting tomorrow she will: quit smoking, follow her diet, go do a huge gym session, cook all the meals for the house, paint the inside of one of the bedrooms, do at least 2 hours worth of gardening, plus try and make sure that her daughter was studying. Anytime one of these things would fall, the rest would fall. It would start off with small cracks but as soon as she would light up a smoke my Dad and I knew that it would get worse before it got better. I am fearful that I do the other thing my mother does when this happens, become very controlling. When things aren't working, she takes hold of one of these goals and puts all her energy into making it work now. Usually, this would land back on the family and cause upset on us. I really hope I don't do that to people and if I do, I'm sorry. 

This isn't a blame to my mother, more of a trait that both share. It has it's advantages just as much as it has it's flaws. It's flaws however, certainly did not help during my adolescence when I was already full of angst. There is no real blame in how I am the way I am. In the end my body is mine and I have the ability to change it. 

What video game are you playing?

I started playing Life is Strange! 

I am really enjoying it. It is a "cinematic game", a story told though the actions of the player with different consequences that are following though the entire game as I play it. Just like real life!

I find the decision making for the story telling very compelling. A lot of the time you have decisions that are based over how much of a dick you want to be to people but some of them, the ones that truly effect the story, have you in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. There is one particular scene that sticks in my mind where you have to answer to the principal (and maybe even the police if you had a slightly different story) about an incident where you have to chose who you taddle on. 

I do really enjoy the art style, I will admit that the character models were a bit uncanny valley at first but I have really started to warm to them. Or maybe I have warmed to the characters? Hard to tell. I have found that a lot of what I like about it is the lighting. 

All in all, I recommend this game. I would say though that as much as I like it, if this game is not your cup of tea, jog on. 

Art?

I haven't been doing much but I did do this sketch. Better than nothing, right?

What song have your got stuck in your head?

To all of you - Syd Matters 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cw_0Bxqpc9o

Till next time~

Havra